I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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