I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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