Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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