Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
