My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
