It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
