Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
