What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize