yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
