y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
