i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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