I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize