im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
