You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
