I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
