I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
