So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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