There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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