her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
