Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
