Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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