I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
