I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
