dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
