The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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