my mouth tastes like poor choices
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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