I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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