Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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