either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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