the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
