My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
