cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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