the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
