I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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