my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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