What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
