I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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