T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
