I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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