You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
