Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
