I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My vagina is very pro this idea
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize