Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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