you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
