He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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