I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I have fence marks all over my body
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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