I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
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