How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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