I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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