that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
