a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
