I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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