Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
