the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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