I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
