I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
