There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
