His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
