I could make wine with my vomit
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
