just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
