I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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