She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
